Secret of Darkness
by Liz Jean Tonks
Summary: Severus Snape is alone in the dungeons, brewing a particular potion. WARNING: suicidal thoughts


THANKS to Vanilla for Beta-reading

Part of "The International Wizarding School Championship";

School: Beauxbatons, Year 7

Word count: 2600

Theme: Elixir to Induce Euphoria; Prompts: **Main:** Cauldron [Object]; Dungeons [Setting]; Begging [Action]

**Warnings for suicidal thoughts and attempt of suicide**

* * *

His greasy black hair was falling over his eyes, hiding the darkness within them. Severus was standing in the small chamber next to Slughorn's classroom. In front of him, there stood a cauldron, a cauldron with a potion that started bubbling. Severus picked up the stirrer and put it into the liquid. His movements were slow and careful. He was working way slower than usual and Severus knew exactly why.

"_Coward_," it whispered inside his head. "_Not even this you can do..."_

He tried to ignore his thoughts and added some more monkshood. But his mind had gotten carried away; he started to imagine what would happen if someone found him down here, brewing a potion he might not dare to drink. As he tried to picture how Potter would react, his face contorted.

"_Did you see? Snivelly can't even kill himself_..."

He wiped over his face. Monkshood always made his eyes all red and teary.

But in spite of the fact he dreaded, and at the same time longed the moment he was finished with the brew, Severus figured he should better hurry up. Not only was he out of bed after hours, but also was he brewing without permission and moreover, a highly deadly potion.

Or at least he hoped it to be deadly. It was one of his own, in his opinion, rather genius inventions. Maybe it was negligent to be trying it out on yourself, before seeing its effects, but what worse could there be than death?

He looked to the door, making sure no one entered. It was risky standing down here in the dungeons in the middle of the night. But it was Severus' plan that tomorrow when they entered the room they would find him lying on the floor very cold, very dead. Severus had found that there were things worth to risk. Like the chance of getting caught versus the chance to put an end to his miserable life.

He snorted quietly and poured some of the draught of living death into his cauldron. The draught, in spite of its name, was not fatal, but if Severus relied on what he knew, it would work well combined with the other ingredients.

He leaned back to let the liquid stew. Miserable, that did sum his day, his entire life up nicely. He closed his eyes and considered it again. He had been thinking about this over and over again. He had drawn his conclusion, if he had the guts not to withdraw from his decision, which he still doubted. A crease appeared between his eyes as he thought about himself. Although he did not want to live any longer, he still was reluctant to kill himself. How could he ever live with himself if he couldn't figure himself out?

To distract himself from his thoughts, he bent over to take a look on the potion. The cauldron was steaming, the potion was boiling, and bubbles were forming on the surface. He felt his face getting hot and took a step away from the cauldron. His fingers touched the metal as he backed away and he flinched. Although the pain made him gasp for a second, he still gazed at it in amazement. The brewing of potions had always fascinated him, and he remembered how eager he had been to learn how to do it properly when he had started at Hogwarts, five years ago.

Would he have guessed that a few years later he would be indeed a master of the brews, the Potion Prince, as Slughorn called him, brewing his own potion of eternal peace? He was not even sure if he was proud of this achievement – yet, at the same time, he felt more pride than he had at any time in his life.

Severus Snape would leave earth with grace and dignity. Not driven away by some idiots, but by his own excellent brainchild.

He wondered how everyone would react. The dungeons were a dark, cold place. Just like his own heart. The setting suited its purpose well. But what would everyone think? He imagined Potter regretting what he had thought of him, realizing he had underestimated him. He imagined Lily, sitting next to his dead body, her eyes full of tears, of regret. He imagined her begging for his return, but she would have to accept he had passed on...

His heart hurt at the image; he never meant to hurt Lily... He never would want her to be as miserable as he was. She did not deserve it – did anyone deserve it, but him?

Maybe she wouldn't mourn at all... She had chosen Potter. She had turned her back to him. He had called her a Mudblood; this was not a thing she was about to forgive, she had made that plain. It was over.

For Severus, there was no one left but himself and his legs that did not want to carry him any longer. His heart that didn't want to pound, only in order to get hurt. His eyes did not want to see anymore, his brain that did not want to think his dirty thoughts. Severus was finished with his life. He would provide the clean cut.

It would do no good to his plan if he kept thinking about Lily, so Severus tried to shut her out of his mind. Just when he went to triple-check on the potion and reached for a jar, his hands and body started shaking as he heard steps outside.

Severus froze. His hand stopped in the movement and suddenly his heart started beating very fast and loudly. Who would be out there at this time? He got sick and wondered if it would do any good if he hid behind the cauldron. Would the person out there enter the room at all? Who would like to enter the deserted classroom at this time? Slughorn surely was asleep... Or was he?

He heard a creak as the classroom door opened and he closed his eyes. Automatically, he took a step backwards. Maybe the person wouldn't get inside the little chamber. Maybe he would get lucky. He had gotten this far; he couldn't fail now.

But the steps were getting louder and the person drew closer. Severus opened his eyes a tiny bit and saw a dainty person, a shadow in the lit room, moving closer to the chamber. Severus didn't need to look twice to see who this was.

Lily's hair was recognizable even in the dim light, and her eyes seemed to sparkle as if in broad daylight. She came closer and in spite of everything that was on his mind, Severus was filled of happiness when he saw her. Relief, even.

She pushed aside the small curtain that parted the chamber from the classroom and looked inside, first at him, then at the potion. Severus wanted to smile, but his lips did not allow the movement.

For a second, they stood there in silent. Then Severus saw, to his horror, how her mouth got thin and how she pressed her lips together.

"Good evening, Snape," she said, her voice colder than he remembered it. Severus tried for a smile, but it froze. He just nodded at her.

"What are you doing here?" he said finally, eyeing the potion. It was still steaming.

"You're a brewing again," she said, not directly answering his question.

"Yes," he said awkwardly.

"You'll lose your house points if you keep sneaking out."

"What are you doing here?" he asked again.

She started pacing in the room, her eyes on the cauldron. "I've seen you, Severus. Sneaking out almost every night to brew."

"Well, yes," he began, "why are you - "

She stared at the potion, and her face changed. She looked him into the eyes, suddenly sad, and her voice was quiet when she spoke. "I know what you have been working on, Severus."

"Lily," Severus said, his voice more annoyed than he wanted, "what are you doing here?"

She looked down on her hands.

"I wanted to talk to you a few hours ago," Severus said accusingly, "you weren't interested. So, if you don't mind..."

But he did not want her to leave. If there was one thing he wanted right now, it was Lily standing there, talking to him,just being there, her green eyes sparkling at him. He wanted to go to her, lie in her arms and cry until there were no tears left. But his eyes and body spoke a different language.

Lily looked at him, a bit startled. "I... I'm sorry."

He turned away and looked to the ground.

"You called me a Mudblood," she said. Her voice was uncertain and she approached him. When he didn't turn to her she put up the stirrer and started stirring the potion.

"I said I was sorry," Severus said as she didn't speak again. His eyes were fixed on his hands.

"You did," she said calmly.

_It was you who didn't want to talk to me, _Severus thought, but he didn't speak the words. "Lily," he said, "please leave."

She clouted the stirrer against the chamber got silent.

"I was in the library tonight," she said, again avoiding his words. Her voice was shaking a bit. "I am no fool, Sev. I know what this is." She nodded at the potion.

Severus swallowed and started wringing his hands.

"It contains monkshood, doesn't it," she said quietly, "and cow bitter. I have seen you working on this for days now. Do you think I'm that thick? Do you think anyone is?"

Of course Lily was no fool. She could add one and one together... Severus did not want her to leave, and at the same time he did. If only he had already drunk the potion, and she would have found him dead on the floor – but was this really what he wanted?

"Please, Lily," he said, his voice shaking, "leave."

He heard steps, and noticed that Lily was coming closer to him. Severus turned around before she could take his hand and looked at her desperately. "Leave me alone." He looked into her eyes and was shocked when he saw they were carrying tears.

"I won't, Sev," she whispered, "of course I won't."

She stared at her. The words comforted him, like nothing else. "You shouldn't be here," he said. All that he was saying – all the requests to her to leave – this was only for him to hear her saying she would stay with him, whatever happened. He didn't know why, but he wanted her to beg of him to stay with her. He needed that attention.

"Shall I just leave you alone, then?" she asked shivering.

Severus frowned, his eyes were wandering from her face to the cauldron. He didn't want the potion to stew too long, it was time to take it... Before he could start mulling again.

Lily took his hand. "Sev," she said, "we need to talk."

He gazed at her. "Suddenly you want to talk."

"You can't just kill yourself."

Severus closed his eyes. "You've got nothing to do with it," he said. "This is my place."

Her eyes were teary. She was crying for him. Severus felt how his heart started to become a warm place again. The rifts started to mend.

"I have nothing to do with it?" she repeated, "I..." she stopped talking. "Please, Sev," she said, "don't go there."

"I already went there," he said, "and I'm good with it."

She didn't say anything for a moment. "But I'm not," she finally said, "I'm not."

Severus didn't want to look at her. "There's still Potter," he said gloomily.

"Potter," she snorted.

"I called you a Mudblood," he said. "You don't like me."

"I... Severus, I still don't want you to do this."

"But I want to." He looked up, a wild expression on his face that made her shiver back. "You see, Lily, I want to. This is my life."

"Am I not a part of your life?" she asked. Those words made him smile inwardly, but his voice was yet cold.

"I understand you don't want to be part of it any longer. You made that plain." He got up before she could say anything else and got back to his cauldron. He looked at the potion and bent over the surface, watching his reflection. "Just go."

Lily got up and looked into the cauldron as well. Now there were two reflections. Then she looked up again, into his eyes. "And what becomes of all that we have experienced together?" she asked in a wavering voice. "What is with all my memories I have of you? Everything we've been through, at Cokesworth and here at Hogwarts? Are they never to be restored? Do you want me to look back on a time that I can never bring back? Never think of the adventures we had together without my eyes getting all teary? Do you wish me this misery?"

She took his hand and Severus did not back away this time. "I would miss you, Severus," she whispered. "Terribly. Whatever I might have said or not said to you today – I would always miss you."

Severus still stared at the liquid. "You must never think otherwise," Lily said. "Please, Severus. There is always me – whatever comes, please." And then she bent forward to him and hugged him. She hold him so tightly that Severus could barely move any more. When they let go of each other Severus' face was flown by tears. He swallowed and looked over her shoulder. Outside, the light of the dim lantern was still shining and cast shadows on the ground.

"Curious," he said. "That you can see the light when it's dark, but not the dark when it's light."

Lily looked at him and took a deep breath.

"Yes," she said slowly. "Curious." Her eyes fell on the cauldron. They both looked at the potion in silence.

"It really is quite a good potion," Lily remarked.

Severus nodded slowly and let some of the liquid pour through his fingers. "It is," he said darkly. "But what good will it do if there is no fool to try it?"

Lily leaned to him. "The best it can do," she said, "is _not_ to be drunk." Severus couldn't help but smile a tiny bit.

She looked at it again. "You have worked on this for a while, haven't you?"

"Ever since term started."

"It must have been a lot of work."

"I put more effort in this than anything else in my life."

She looked at him, and then back at the cauldron. "So, what do we do with it?" she asked.

Severus got up, picked up the stirrer and threw it on the ground. It landed with a clang. Then he rolled up his sleeves, cleared his throats and with force, he knocked the cauldron down to the ground. It gave a loud banging sound and the potion poured all over the ground. He took a step back to prevent his feet from getting covered and almost tripped on Lily's feet. Her eyes, still a little wet, were sparkling again and she reached out for his arm.

Severus' eyes were still red, but his mouth smiled, as he lay in her arms, listening to his lonely heart that had found company. His legs would not have to carry him all by themselves. There was always Lily, and where she went, there was possibility for joy.


End file.
